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Retrospec - Retrogaming at its best
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Peter Jovanovic

Most definitely not French

Slave to the machine

Personal Website Not Listed

On September 14th, late in the night, the clubhouse was in darkness. The only sound was the clicky-click-clicking on a keyboard.. The keyboard on Jeff's machine, but Jeff wasn't there programming SabreWulf PC. Oh no. Jeff was at some charity gig on stage with the band he started with Keith Moon, Phill Lynott and Kurt Cobain (it's a long story, but the gist is that they're not dead, just living in the Clubhouse toilet). So, you cry, who the hell is it? Somone intent on destroying the chances of SabreWulf ever seeing the light of day?

Nope. It was The Mystery Man himself, busy refining the flora and fauna of the jungle (well graphical images of it anyway). He only comes here at the dead of night - when all the clubhouse members are so hyped up on caffeine that they're running around naked outside pretending to be aeroplanes or Newcastle soccer players after a humiliating defeat.

This time though, he was not alone. Suddenly the lights were dramatically thrown on (okay so Rich lit a candle) and The Mystery Man (in Black lace I might add) found himself surrounded by RetroSpec team members dressed up as characters from Scooby Doo. (Allan looked especially menacing as Velma)

It was Spangly (Scooby) who did the final cheesy speech and John (Shaggy) who did the unmasking. And there he was. Revealed to all. Glistening like a freshly polished earwig, and groomed like a best-of-breed at crufts.

Gasps went round the room! Pierre realised that they were not directed at his face, but at the screen behind him. Yes, they'd all seen the new graphics for Sabre Wulf, and yay verily they all were as impressed as Logi Baird would have been if shown the latest Sony Trinitron.

So that's how Pierre came out of the closet as it were. Probed by careful questioning, the team learnt that Pierre wasn't French, liked smoking (from the ears usually, but sometimes from the nose) and enjoyed drawing. Hmm. Way to go guys.

Pierre is actually from Yugoslavia, and breeds rhino for a living. He lives in Devon in a kyack on the River Dart (usually moored opposite the Navel College in Dartmouth). He is mentioned in the Guinness Book of Records for having the world's longest pubic hair.

Last year, Oxford University Press published Pierre's paper on the enzyme in your navel that means all belly-button lint is purple.

Finally, Pierre shares Jeff's fanaticism about flip-flops and owns over 50 pairs, some of them incredibly rare.